Last night was tough. I know my pediatrician would shake his finger at me for this, but I've developed a habit of rocking Izzy to sleep...and then rocking her a lot longer. It's pretty much the only time she is still, and I know she won't let me rock her forever, so to heck with what the doctors say, right? Anyway, she was already fast asleep, and I was reading some blogs on my phone. I came across a blog I had never seen -
http://kandjstaats.blogspot.com/. I noticed from the subtitle that this was a family that had recently lost a baby, so I started reading their story. And then I couldn't stop. And then I lost it.
This past February, their 4-month-old baby, Maddie, died in her sleep. Reading their story brought back so many raw emotions and memories of losing Lily. It brought back so many questions: Why her? Why us? Aren't we good people? I dreaded coming home after Lily passed away because I knew I would have to look at the little matching dresses and hair bows we had purchased for her and Izzy hanging in their closet. I knew we would have to return one of the two cribs we ordered. I dreaded having to delete all the duplicate baby items from our baby registry. But my heart broke for this family who had to walk through their front door and see the mess of toys, the sink full of bottles, the stack of diapers, the dirty laundry, the smell of baby powder, the home where their baby
used to play,
used to laugh,
used to live. I was sad for them. I was angry for them. I was a little sad and angry for me. Holding Izzy in my arms, I couldn't help being sad for her too. I couldn't help wondering what Lily would be like if she were still with us, and what the girls would be like together. Like I said, I lost it.
And then I got the sign I needed. This morning at church, we sang one of my favorite songs, Blessed Be The Name. As I sang along, particularly to these two verses, I felt a little tug on my heart and a lump in my throat.
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
This was exactly what I needed. It reminded me that Lily was given to us and taken away from us according to the perfect plan of God, and He has great plans for the future of our family. Griff and I made peace with Lily's death a long time ago, but there will always be hard days. How awesome is it that our God is there to comfort us when those days sneak up! I pray that Maddie's parents will find their comfort soon.
